You’re Not That Important (Relax)
How the Spotlight Effect Can Help You Beat Social Anxiety and Social Comparison
For years, I constantly worried about what other people thought of me.
What I said.
How I looked.
How I came across.
I felt like I was being judged with every encounter.
But at some point, after way too much overthinking, I realised something:
Most people probably weren’t thinking anything at all.
They weren’t picking me apart.
They weren’t noticing every mistake.
They were too busy thinking about themselves.
And this one shift massively reduced how much I cared about what people thought.
I didn’t need to perform.
I didn’t need to impress.
I just needed to be me.
This realisation is actually backed by psychology and it’s called the spotlight effect.
Let’s break it down.
🔦 What Is the Spotlight Effect?
The spotlight effect is a cognitive bias where we overestimate how much other people notice, care about, or pay attention to us.
In other words, we think the “spotlight” is on us, when really, most people are too busy thinking about themselves to pay close attention to us at all.
This concept was famously demonstrated in a 2000 study by psychologists Thomas Gilovich and colleagues.
In one experiment, participants were asked to wear an embarrassing t-shirt (think Barry Manilow) and walk into a room of people. The participants predicted that around 50% of the people in the room would notice the shirt. In reality, only around 20% did.
This is the spotlight effect in action.
We think we’re being watched far more than we are.
🫣 Why This Matters for Social Anxiety
Social anxiety often stems from the fear of being judged or embarrassed in front of others. The spotlight effect amplifies this fear making you feel like every stumble, pause, or awkward moment is under a microscope.
But when you understand that other people aren’t paying nearly as much attention as you think, you can start to loosen your grip on that anxiety.
👉 You reframe it: “I feel like everyone’s watching, but they’re probably caught up in their own stuff.”
This small shift can give you the courage to speak up, show up, and be yourself, even when your inner critic is yelling otherwise.
🧐 How It Helps with Social Comparison
It’s easy to fall into the trap of comparing yourself to others, especially in social settings or on social media. You see someone who looks confident and successful, and you immediately start measuring yourself against them.
But here’s where the spotlight effect flips the script: just like you’re overly focused on your own flaws, so is everyone else.
Most people aren’t even noticing what you can’t stop noticing about yourself because they’re too wrapped up in their own insecurities.
That person you’re comparing yourself to? They’re probably worrying about something too.
Understanding this can make you more compassionate, both toward yourself and others.
🙂 How to Use the Spotlight Effect to Feel Better
Here are a few practical ways to use the spotlight effect to reduce social anxiety and comparison:
1. Reality Check
When you feel self-conscious, pause and ask:
“How much attention would I be paying if I were in their shoes?”
Usually, it’s far less than you think.
2. Shift the Focus
Instead of thinking, “What are they thinking about me?”, ask,
“What can I learn about them?”
Curiosity pulls you out of your own head.
3. Laugh at It
If something awkward happens, remind yourself:
“No one cares as much as I do. I’m not that important.”
It’s not self-deprecating, it’s freeing.
4. Practice Being Seen
Put yourself in low-stakes situations where you feel a bit exposed and then notice how little people actually react.
This helps retrain your brain over time.
💭 Final Thought
The spotlight effect shows us that most of our fears about being judged are exaggerated. People aren’t watching us as closely as we think. They’re more worried about themselves.
So the next time social anxiety or comparison kicks in, remind yourself of this truth: You’re not on stage. You’re in a room full of people who are all quietly wondering if they’re being judged too.
And just like that, you’ve got a little more room to breathe, be yourself, and show up without the pressure.
Thanks for reading this today, I appreciate you.
Karl
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